Some Nights

If you looked up “fun” in the dictionary you’d see a gigantic photo collage of the wild and zany activities my friends have come up with in the last few weeks. It all started on Saturday, August 3^rd when one of my friends put out a feeler on Facebook. It triggered a “What should we do tonight?” brainstorm that set in motion a rip-roaring chain of events that shows no sign of stopping. That night we decided to go to a nearby park and “play.” We kicked things off with a lively round of sidewalk chalk sketching before heading to the various playgrounds.

One of the playgrounds had this treacherous wheel ride that I have nicknamed “Spin Cycle.” Everyone (who was willing to risk their neck) took a turn inside while the bystanders spun them around as fast as humanly possible. (I personally took the job of “lighting crew” and so we could film the whole thing.)

 

Whilst inside the wheel some were more verbose than others. Gwen, for example, managed to exclaim, “I feel like I’m galloping on a horse!” and “I’m catching air!” Having tweaked my neck on a waterslide earlier on the day I decided it was best to give my neck a break. The rest of the evening was filled with swinging on swings, playing a few rounds of a light machine game and spinning on any and every contraption that could spin us. And that was just the beginning.

Two days later we found ourselves in the midst of a less-than-festive tri-ward luau. People were starting to come after us with water balloons so my ward rallied and decided to flee. We stopped at an ice cream shack where I was able to snag one of my all-time favorite treats: a chocolate-dipped cone. After some convening and reconvening we set out for the same park we had gone to nights before. First we checked on our chalk masterpieces. I was quite pleased to see they were completely intact. Next we headed to the Spin Cycle where a few more people were initiated into the Circle of Death (aka the Circle of Friendship.) One of our guys took a bad spill out of the wheel and for a moment everything froze. Once he was on his feet again a few more brave souls took their turn in the wheel. Although I didn’t have an excellent excuse to hang back (no lighting crew was needed because it was still light outside) I did have an excellent time watching my friends scream, “I’m gonna puke!”

After some tranquil climbing on the jungle gym people started chasing each other which led to a chaotic game of tag. I got tagged and chased Gwen for a few hundred feet but I couldn’t manage to tag her. Instead I decided it was best to hide in the bushes and catch a few friends by surprise. There’s just something awesome about hearing your friends approach unawares. They’re just laughing and having a good time and then all of a sudden it’s, “Ahhhhhhhh!!!” Game over. Having completed my mission of tagging someone I continued on with the group to the other playground. For whatever reason tag was just in our blood that night and we needed more. Believe it or not we played Hot Lava Monster for about an hour straight. The last time I played that game was probably eight years ago when I was a summer camp counselor. It is very different to play with adults because they are bigger, faster and louder. I think we had at least 12 people playing and it was just insanely fun.

After banging our knees and elbows on every structural component of that playground (and sacrificing a few ankles) our group finally called it a night. Well, most of us, anyway. Those of us who weren’t quite done moved our cars over to the library parking lot so the cops wouldn’t come looking for us in the park. We pulled out a blanket and settled down on the west boundary of the park. After a few minutes it got a little chilly so we decided to start a dance party to combat the cold. Yes, we’re nuts. Eventually a cop spotted our cars in the parking lot and walked over to our little encampment. “Guys, the park is closed. When you get a minute I’ll need you to head on your way.” “Sorry! We’ll go right now.” “No, no, that’s not necessary. Just when you get a minute. Have a good night.” Score! With the officer’s blessing we bided our time. Eventually the sprinklers came on and we headed for the parking lot. I left after that (yes, even I go to bed sometimes) but apparently another officer visited my friends in the parking lot a little while later “just to say hi.” Rad.

Five very social days later it was once again Saturday. (This time it was August 10^th.) With tickets in hand our group struck out for the county fairgrounds where many of us would be witnessing our very first demolition derby. (I thought it was my first time but my dad later informed me that he took me to one when I was very young. My bad!) There’s something unsettling, dirty, cheap and lovely about walking through a county fair. You know it’s a gigantic rip-off. You know it’s probably not safe. You know there are carnies BUT there is also magic in the air. It’s the strangest combination of dust, grime, steel and sparkling light in the known universe. We found our seats on the bleachers and then people started making runs to buy various grease-dipped food. (Oh how I prefer chocolate-dipped food!) The derby began and once the sun lowered behind the clouds we comfortably drifted away to the crash-bang-boom rhythm of the cars. Even still my friends could not hold still. We couldn’t help but notice the almighty Gravitron ride spinning just behind the derby arena. Two friends scouted out the ticket price and found out it was $4. Four dollars for the best fair ride of all time? Let’s do it!

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To my great delight we had a few people in our group who had never been on a Gravitron. I tried to describe the gravity-compressing sensation in very placid, nonthreatening terms. “The ride is completely enclosed so you won’t fall out. You’ll just feel like you’re being pressed against the wall but it’s cushioned so it won’t hurt.” (Now that I look back on those words all spelled out I can see that it would have easily been interpreted as, “You’ll be locked into a metal room with padded walls and spun until you can literally climb the walls like the crazy person you are.” I probably should have just said it that way.) We timed our dash for the ticket booth perfectly. (We waited until the penultimate event was over so that we could ride the Gravitron while the tow trucks were cleaning up the mess in the arena.) After snatching up our tickets we got in line and waited for a few nervous minutes until the previous passengers were completely unloaded. Then it was our turn!

We spread out slightly so we could have room to freak out and then the ride started. It had been about six years since I had been on a Gravitron and to be honest I had forgotten what it was like. According to Wikipedia “riders [experience] centrifugal force equivalent to three times the force of gravity” when the ride is at full speed. Can you say a-w-e-s-o-m-e? I felt like my whole stomach was being pressed down to a thickness of about 3 inches. In order to keep my diaphragm from collapsing I very strategically screamed my head off. Big breath in, big scream out. It was hard to keep doing this because I was laughing so hard. I wish wish wish I had kept my iPhone in my hand so I could have taken pictures and videos of my friends – especially the first-timers. Luckily one of my friends took video and this is a still shot from it:

After the ride ended we stumbled then sprinted back to our seats for the final event. We made it just in time! Before I knew it the derby was over and we were cooking up our next plan for the evening. We rendezvoused with a few more friends at Sonic and chatted away for the next hour or so. “Surely,” I thought, “this highflying summer sprint to the finish will slow down eventually.” Surely I was wrong.

Last night I once again witnessed my friends’ constant craving for summer gallivanting. My ward softball team played its first game in a two-night regional tournament and we WON. The game was over before 9:00 which meant the evening was wide open. Much to my delight one of my friends asked, “Okay, what’s next?” before I even had my cleats off. I live off of this kind of energy. Within minutes eight of us were scurrying to the other side of the park to play soccer. Even though two girls weren’t completely comfortable playing soccer they still tried it. I feed off of these kinds of people. Once soccer wound down it was time to come up with something else. Someone suggested “Hands Up Stands Up” (a handstand competition) and I designated myself as the official photographer.

Watching them play was fascinating. These friends of mine are cordial, competitive, goofy, great people. They would rather risk dislocating their shoulder than “call it a night.” (Yes, one of the girls dislocated her shoulder.) I thrive on this kind of determination. Eventually we made a break for the nearest 24 hour restaurant. I fully anticipate that tonight (when we will play at least two more softball games) will be just as action-packed and spontaneous. Whether we are celebrating a few momentous victories or mourning our premature elimination I know that we’ll be having the time of our lives. Someday soon our lives will settle down into autumn routines and early, quiet evenings. In the meantime our summer nights are books waiting to be written. Grab your cleats, your camera, your phone, your lantern, your wallet and your friends. We’ve got stuff to do.

Summer of Something More

Has someone ever placed a burning birthday candle in front of you and said, “Make a wish!” leaving you to realize you don’t know what you want? Have you ever stood in front of a wishing well with a pocket full of change and a mind gone blank? Maybe your eyes rested on a clock as it flicked to 11:11 and your momentary excitement (“I can make a wish!”) was immediately dampened by an inner voice whispering, “Why bother?” Perhaps the neon lights framing our hopes and dreams are dimmed a bit by nagging pessimism, overriding practicality or just a plain lack of imagination. Our world is full of paralyzing stings: the fear of failure, the restraints of time, the cost of taking a chance, the act of walking away, the risk of abandonment, the prospect of starting over and so on. The trick is learning how to deal with these poisonous barbs before they shut us down forever. Will we avoid them altogether, pry them out of our skin or leave them in and develop immunity to their sting? 

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A life without risk, reach, hunger and drive would be terrible. Living in constant fear of stepping into the great unknown would be a stagnant, solitary and meager existence. Certain aspects of my life are frozen in fear. For example I have always loved marine life but I am terrified of going into the ocean. Shark attacks make up a large part of this fear but the realist side of me knows that my chances of being stung by a jellyfish are much greater. My fear of jellyfish began when my kindergarten teacher came back to school after going on vacation to Hawaii. She had been stung by a jellyfish and she showed us her wound. Her leg looked torn and raw – like she had crashed on a bicycle. The thought of stepping into dark water and being stung by a silent, invisible predator terrified me. I am willing to take risks but I always need to know the potential consequences of my actions. There always has to be a warning signal that I’m about to get stung. Then I need to know how to treat the wound. 

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 Leading your life with a healthy anticipation of disappointment, shake-ups and break-ups is probably a wise decision. If you “put yourself out there” you’re bound to get hurt, but you’re also bound to grow. Build yourself an emotional first aid kit. It can consist of phone numbers of loved ones whom you can always fall back on. It might be a slush fund for “retail therapy” sessions at Nordstrom. Maybe it’s a couple of airline vouchers for a quick getaway to clear your mind and gain perspective. It could just be a tennis racket and a bag of tennis balls that you’ll smash the crap out of as soon as you can get out onto a court. Always keep your tools of choice at your disposal. Make sure your kit includes a map home and a pair of binoculars for the road ahead. I recently “escaped” to the east coast (positive that a week away was what I needed to reset a few uncomfortable situations at home) but I couldn’t get my mind off of the problems that awaited me in Utah. What really did the trick was opening up to friends and admitting that I was struggling even though I was “supposed” to be having fun on vacation. Acknowledging my struggle caused a few of the stinging barbs to dislodge from my skin. The problem was I still had a few left in my heart. 

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 I’ve been home from my east coast trip for two and a half weeks. Last week I thought I made leaps and bounds of progress with one of the problems I’ve been having. This week I have experienced a major relapse. This situation began two months ago with a few stings on my skin but the effect has traveled through me and lodged internally. I can’t reach these barbs and I can’t pull them out. They are pushed deeper multiple times per week. I have asked God to take them away but instead they stay. Last night I thought, “This is ridiculous. It’s like trying to become immune to poison.” This morning it hit me: Maybe this situation is my “iocane powder.” In “The Princess Bride” Westley wins the freedom of his true love by playing a game of wits with her captor, Vizzini. He poisons two goblets of wine out of Vizzini’s sight and allows Vizzini to decide which cup is poisoned. When Vizzini finally makes up his mind both men drink from their respective cups and Vizzini drops dead. Why did Westley survive? He had developed immunity to iocane powder. I have no idea what might have inspired him to purposefully ingest poison in increasing doses over the course of a few years and to keep a vial with him at all times. Maybe he knew he’d need it one day. As much as I want this problem to go away it doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere fast. As the pain and discomfort continue maybe I can become tolerant of it. Then I’ll lock it away in my internal arsenal for future use. Venom is required to make anti-venom, after all. 

So far this summer I have been lucky to spend time doing wonderful things with great friends. If I were to look up at the stars tonight to make a wish I wouldn’t be able to put a finger on what I want. I just want something “more.” I can already feel summer slipping away like sand through an hourglass. Soon it will be fall, and in October I’ll be facing a birthday cake that will probably resemble a flaming porcupine more than a fine pastry. What courage can we summon when facing a flickering candle, a pool full of coins or a constantly ticking clock? I suppose the greatest comfort we can take is in knowing that we have been through tough things and we can get through much harder things. Close your eyes, take a breath, and make a wish. There is no shame in wanting “more.”

Left with the Pieces

I never thought you’d leave my life

You were the one sure thing

But you decided to leave this world

Why couldn’t you take me?

You were always there

To spring me loose when I got caught

You were the brightest beam

Now I am here and you are not

Here I am – left with the pieces

Drawers of clothes, boxes of books

Pictures in frames– 

It’s harder than it looks

So many times I’ve wondered

If I should come to your side

But I know I would hurt others

So I keep it all inside

Here I stay – left with the pieces

Piles of letters, vases of flowers

A eulogy to write–

Plenty of work to fill the hours

I’m trapped with nowhere to turn

I can’t say how I really feel

Instead I will praise your life

I’ll keep my part of the deal

Here I lay – left with the pieces

A heart full of sorrow

A head full of memories

A life without tomorrow

.....

This one's for the survivors.

Spring of Dreaming

I am overdue in addressing my blog name change. In December I changed the title of this blog to “The Dreamer.” You may remember it was called “Discovering Me.” I am not saying my quest for self-discovery is fulfilled and over but I am saying I know I’m a dreamer. I would also like to say that I feel like the old name was pretentious. I think a lot things I do are pretentious. I’m trying to fix that. The URL of this blog hasn’t changed (discoveramber.blogspot.com) but hopefully you’ll forgive me. I always wanted to find a sweet picture of a mosquito frozen in amber (à la Jurassic Park) and use it as the main image for this blog but I was worried about getting into copyright trouble. I wanted the picture to tell you something along the lines of, “Hey, ‘discovering amber’ kind of has a double meaning – like – it kind of has to do with discovering that dino DNA (or something equally as fantastical) can be found in amber!” Hopefully the title of my blog didn’t make you roll your eyes too many times over the years.

I spend a lot of time apologizing (see above) or blaming myself for things that go wrong. That most likely won’t change. What I would like to change is the over-arching career and life path I’m on. Right now it’s all “slow and steady” and I prefer to see the action pick up. As I’ve discussed before I have always valued stability. I just re-read my “Fragility/Stability/Agility” post from last May and it was an interesting look back at the past. I made a big decision and moved from P-town to New City (not to be confused with NYC) in August 2012. I’ve been here for almost eight months now. The move was good for me. I am able to keep in contact with friends in P-town (only 30 miles away) and I have made wonderful friends in my New City. I hit my five-year mark with Adobe on February 25^th and I couldn’t have been happier to “make it.” My coworkers and I have been enjoying our shiny, new office building since November 2012. I feel like some great things have changed in my life but there is huge potential for more change. I am open to it. I just need to believe the following:

-I have the potential to change my career

-I can do more than what I’m currently doing

-No matter where I go I can call it “home”

-People care about me and they’ll help me succeed

-I will be guided when making big life decisions

-I should wish for the presence of hope, not the absence of fear

-If I decide to move on with my life my friends will support me

-"Change is always a good thing" (according to my friend Malin)

-I can be confident in my abilities

-I should listen to my heart

-Risks can pay off

-If all else fails I always have Mom and Dad

After reading the list above you might think I’m getting ready to move to the moon or something. I assure you that is not the case. Right now I’m just getting ready to consider moving somewhere if that is what it takes to keep my life moving forward. I am happy where I am but I can’t tell if I’m progressing. It’s like being on a ship that is so far from the coast you can’t even tell you’re moving.

Basically, this spring is about “dreaming a little bigger.”

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May your dreams be bigger and better, too.

The Boys Are Back in Town

The Dixon Boys

Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that had been away
Haven't changed, haven't much to say
But man, I still think them cats are crazy  

Several weeks ago I was resigned to a nearly TV-less life. All of my favorite shows were on hiatus and so was my TV-fueled happiness. My DVR never had anything to show for itself when I got home from work. I spent most of my newly freed-up time eating junk food and thinking about places I’d rather live. Without recorded shows for company life was just kind of “eh.” I felt like the lone kid who had to go to summer school while all my friends were off on exotic vacations. “I wonder what ‘Psych’ and ‘Covert Affairs’ are up to. Is ‘Grimm’ having fun in Europe? Did ‘Survivor’ ever decide where she was doing Study Abroad? Does ‘Amazing Race’ really get to travel the whole globe again? Can ‘The Walking Dead’ please hurry up and come back home already?’” Lucky for me three of my besties (“Face/Off,” “Switched at Birth” and “Modern Family”) trickled in during the month of January. Although it was great to have them back I couldn’t help but daydream of the mid-season premiere of “The Walking Dead” and the season 26 premiere of “Survivor.”

On Sunday night my dearly departed zombies and their precocious people prey waltzed, walked and walloped their way back onto my flat screen. And oh, the joy. The pure, pure joy. A few of my friends (human friends, not TV show friends) accompanied me as I gasped, winced and flinched through the episode. Counting down to our previously agreed-upon start time of 11 pm was like counting down to Christmas. How sick is that? It doesn’t matter. These things – strange, fictional, crazy, simple things – make me happy. To be more precise they fill a very specific bucket of happiness and dump it into my happiness well. The fuller, the better. When the well is on the verge of running dry it is most likely due to a months-long break between seasons of “Survivor.” Luckily a big ole rainstorm is brewing tonight!

“This is the DAWNing of the age of Aquarius! Age of Aquarius! Aquarius! Aquarius!” Okay, sorry, it actually isn’t. This is Dawn Meehan. I got carried away with all of that water talk. Dawn will be returning to play “Survivor” on tonight’s premiere of Fans vs. Favorites. I have not seen every episode of “Survivor” – I missed a previous season of Fans vs. Favorites – but I did see Dawn’s original season and I’m excited to see her back again. There are plenty of loonies on the Favorites team that I never wanted to see again but Jeff Probst is pumped about this season and it’s never wise to disagree with a guy who looks like this. If Sunday night was Christmas Eve then it looks like New Year’s Eve has come a few days early! Party!!!

Best of luck to Dawn Meehan, the Rick Grimes Gang and all of my friends (TV show friends, not human friends) who are still making their way back from vacation. At least the sorrow of the impending summer TV slow-down will be assuaged by actual summer weather.

That jukebox in the corner blasting out my favorite song
The nights are getting warmer, it won't be long
Won't be long till summer comes
Now that the boys are here again

Lyrics courtesy of lyricsondemand.com