To Have Loved and Lost

Last year my friend Karissa was teaching Sunday School. She's a very illustrative teacher and had a large and talkative class to handle. As usual, she did a great job catching our attention. She asked us to close our eyes and imagine the thing that was most precious to us. It could be a person, an object, a place, anything that came to mind. I thought of a person. Someone who had been very dear to me. Karissa asked us to hold out one of our hands in a fist and imagine keeping this person, place or thing safe in our grasp. Then she did something that made my heart twinge - she asked us to imagine opening our hand and letting it go. I can't remember what the rest of the lesson was about. Maybe I kept thinking about him. His smile, his laugh, the way he would look at me. I had tried to let him go several times but we always ended up together again. Our history was long and complicated and at that time I wasn't ready to let him go.

Last Sunday another friend of mine was teaching Sunday School. We were in the book of 1 Kings studying the life of Solomon. My understanding of the Old Testament is sketchy at best but I'd already been thinking about the story of Solomon for days. The teacher commented that Solomon's great wisdom is mentioned many times in this part of the Bible but the only solid example we have is of two mothers who approached him with one baby. Each is claimed to be the rightful mother by birth. Solomon asked for a sword to be brought forth and proposed a gruesome solution: simply divide the baby in half and allow each mother to take her share. The true mother was horrified at the prospect and said, "O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it," (1 Kings 3:26). The false mother had a very different take on the situation, "Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it," (1 Kings 3:26). She simply said, "If I can't have him, no one can." Solomon instantly knew that this woman was the one who accidentally smothered her own child the previous night as she slept. He granted the honest woman custody of the child, "She is the mother thereof." While the story is simple and only encompasses a few verses in a very dense book of scripture, it teaches one of the greatest wisdoms ever taught: If you really love something, you love it enough to let it go. Let it live. Let it be. If you really love someone you allow them to go their own way and make their own choices even if you're convinced you could do a better job taking care of them. This applies to parents who let their children leave the nest, romantic partners who allow one another to keep searching for the right person, and little children who understand that putting a dear family pet to sleep is sometimes the kindest thing you can do.

I don't know how many of you out there had cats or dogs but I'm sure many who have would agree that they add something special to a home. I grew up with my two older sisters' cats always hanging around. I absolutely loved them. They were long-haired outdoor cats. Heidi was slightly older than Taffy and one day we noticed her back legs were dragging a bit. I was in sixth grade but Heidi was already 16. I always dreaded losing one of these two cats and I knew the day was quickly approaching when my mom told me Heidi had been diagnosed with cancer. One morning I said goodbye to her in the garage before leaving for school. She was too weak to come off of the bookshelf she often slept in. I couldn't believe this was the last time I was going to see her alive, watch her stomach rise and fall with each breath, hear her purr or feel her wet little nose. I took a final look at those big green eyes longing for rest and walked back into the house. I knew holding onto Heidi for a few more days or weeks would have been wrong. It was my first lesson in love. I thought I had it pretty tough because I had to go to school that day but my mom had a much harder job: taking her to the vet. When I came home from school my dad was preparing to bury Heidi. My mom was beside herself. She said that taking Heidi in had been one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do. We thought of Taffy and wondered if my mom would have to make another trip to the vet that year. The thought of it was too much. I have often heard beautiful stories of elderly married couples who peacefully die within days of each other. Heidi and Taffy were best friends and one day Taffy simply settled into a comfortable nook by the porch and slipped away. I believe this was a tender mercy afforded to us by a God who loves all of his creations - yes, even cats!

I didn't date a lot in high school or college but I tried to convince myself that if I found love, I'd know what to do with it. In the middle of my senior year of college I met someone that caught my eye, inexplicably so. He wasn't really my type and we didn't have a ton in common but we became friends and had fun together. His girlfriend had just left on a mission and I knew he was really torn up about it. Months passed and as my graduation grew closer, so did our relationship. In the heat of summer things began to change quicker and I wondered if this was going to work out. I was due to move home to California for graduate school but I made a series of rash decisions in an attempt to show him I was serious about giving our relationship a chance. By the time everything was sorted out half of my belongings had been brought back to California by my very patient (and forgiving) parents. He agreed to do me a favor and drive with me to my hometown so I could collect my things. He had met my parents during graduation but this was his chance to see California and our family dynamic up close. Somewhere between the beaches and redwood forests we allowed ourselves to fall a little deeper and explore the possibilities of being together. By the end of that visit I was convinced we were going to get married and he had many encouraging words to lead me to believe so. Apparently, however, I missed the part where he became convinced our families just wouldn't mesh together and how, more importantly, I would never fit in with his mom's side of the family. Unfortunately for us neither one of us was mature or wise enough to sacrifice our "comfortable" time together in order to let the other go free. We kept returning to what we knew and what was easy. The relationship became cancerous but I held on to it. I couldn't let it go. I was convinced that with a little more time and a little more patience, things would get better. He would love me again. We'd get back to where we had been and then be able to grow together normally. I was completely wrong.

The months and years that followed that trip to California were a sloppy attempt at normal friendship. I tried make myself believe that I could keep the relationship casual but when you have already imagined exactly what it would be like to spend the rest of your life with someone, it's hard to imagine anyone else being right for you. It's even more difficult to imagine anyone else being right for them. You're the one they're supposed to be with, who's supposed to take care of them. The truth is that love, patience and time can't cure a relationship crippled with cancer. The only way to get healthy again is to cut it out completely. If it means never seeing the person again, so be it. What had begun as a time brilliant with hope and potential ended tarnished with regret on a dark night last summer. I had to face the fact the only way to make it out of the hole I had dug was to never see him again. It took me a long time and repeated listening of the song "Let it Be."

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree,

There will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is

Still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be. Yeah

There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,

There is still a light that shines on me,

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be.

There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Luckily I received an answer confirming that I could give this boy up. I've been happier every day for the decision I made so many months ago. I could have tried to cripple him to the point where he'd be incapable of forming a lasting relationship, ("If I can't have him no one can,") but instead I chose to let him go his own way and let him find the one he is meant to be with. I have loved many things in my life and I've lost many of them. If you've loved, if you've lost, keep going. Keep growing. This is an essential part of life. These experiences and others have helped tune my ability to love. I'm not all the way there yet but I have made leaps and bounds thanks to examples in my family and the occasional heartbreak that is simply part of the young single adult life.