From XYZ to ABC

If I had it my way, Plan A would work every time. Things would always pan out the first time round just the way I imagined them. There would be no need for constant readjusting and maneuvering. Perfect timing would clip along just as I predicted and I could sit back and coast on autopilot just enjoying the ride. Unfortunately for me there must be some value in constantly moving on to new plans because I have learned that Plan A rarely works out. Sometimes Plan J turns into the most appealing option, and one can never rule out the merit of scribbling down a Plan Q, R, and S just in case. If you’ve been down this road more than once perhaps you have concluded that simultaneously pursuing multiple plans is the best way to go. I would guess that multitaskers are prone to this strategy. I’m a multitasker at heart and I try to consider all of my options all of the time. A few months ago I decided to try a new plan and last week I had to lay it to rest. The year is rapidly winding down and I feel like I am about to abandon Plans X, Y, and Z and start over again with A, B, and C. At this point I feel like the weeks, months and years are flying by and the only way to cope with the rush is to “go back to the drawing board” and come up with something fantastic.

Searching

Starting over sucks. All of the same questions come back (“What am I doing?” “What should I do instead?” and on and on). Sometimes I catch myself staring in the mirror waiting for the answers to jump out. Instead I am left searching for answers in the depths of my own irises. Besides a splash of four different colors, there isn’t much there. The search for a deeper perspective always renders the same thing – a narrowed reflection of someone very far from deciding who she is. Maybe my eye color is indicative of the problem. I’m split between varied interests that pull me in very different directions. At the core is brown – my preferred way of seeing the world and working my way through it: creatively, artistically, and humorously. Just outside of the brown area is a fine yellow ring that seeks to bridge imagination with practicality. The next layer, green, is the part of me that knows I have to make money somehow, so away with this dreamland stuff. On the very outside is a curious blue rim. It isn’t the crystal clear blue that some people are blessed with. Instead it’s a hazy, “How do I get there?” blue. It is the blue of quickly fading twilight. What I wouldn’t give for high noon blue instead.

Bridging the Gap

What I want more than anything is to find a way to permanently meld creativity and practicality. We’ve all heard the expression “starving artist.” While I admire those brave enough to abandon corporate jobs and pursue artistic careers, I can’t imagine I’ll ever do it. I prioritize the stability and assurance of a steady job but sometimes all that structure can create a stifling scaffold around the creative part of my mind. My fate may have been determined years ago – I was too wound up in junior college to ever take a drawing, painting or creative writing class even though I was dying to. (Since I had to take remedial math credits along with transfer requirements for three different universities, there was simply no time to fit in three elective credits during any of my semesters.) I’m happy with the work I completed and I’m proud of the degree I earned but sometimes I look back at college missed and wish I had just taken it a little slower. I know there’s no use in looking back. My life has rapidly moved on (have I already been out of school for 3 years?!) and bigger and better things have come along. I’m just trying to figure out if good things are happening by coincidence or if I’m actually doing something right.

Here We Go

In the end, the only choice is to go back to the beginning. I don’t have to start over from scratch, I just have to take into account all of the stuff I’ve learned and keep trucking along. While it stinks to let go of X, Y, and Z, I know that it’s the right thing to do. A, B, and C aren’t going to guarantee success but I can be happy with progress. I’m exhausted from another year of trying to figure out my life and I welcome prospect of a restful holiday break. For now I just hope the wheels stop turning long enough to give me a good night’s sleep. At least my dreams allow me to bridge the gap – I can drift off to whatever unpredictable scenario my mind has in store while getting something practical done at the same time. Now if I could just find a way to be paid to sleep…