Fall of Fearlessness

I’m looking at the cover of a test prep book on my desk. All kinds of fear-laden thoughts are going through my head. “What if I don’t find time to study? What if I can’t understand the material? What if I bomb the test?” Preparation for this test is only the tiniest preliminary step toward my second attempt to begin an application for an MBA program. Even the thought of starting this process makes my insecurity meter rise a few notches. What will it be like when I am done with the test and I have to begin prerequisite coursework?

Sometimes I look at the list of prerequisites I need to take for the MBA program I have my eye on. There are scary words on this list like “economics,” “law,” “accounting,” and “finance.” There is a reason I avoided these courses like the plague when I was an undergraduate. I never wanted anything to do with them! My ultimate motive for facing these seven prerequisite courses is to progress in the business world. If I can knock out these fundamental business courses then I can begin an MBA. If I can begin an MBA then I might be able to complete an MBA. If I complete an MBA then I might have a bright future ahead of me. That doesn’t sound too tough, right?

At this point in my quest for an MBA I am trying to figure out if I can complete all seven prereqs by August 2013. Each course carries a hefty three credits and I’ve been warned that some of them are pretty difficult. (People may have actually used the words “rough,” “terrible,” and “killer” now that I think of it.) I work full-time and I would have no problem knocking out two or three courses in the next 10 months. But seven? Seven… seven… seven… Did I ever mention that seven is my unlucky number?

Let’s be optimistic for a sec and pretend that I will complete all seven courses in time (go me!) and I am going to start this part-time 2-year MBA program in September 2013. What happens then? Financially I’ll still be in good shape because I’ll be able to continue working full-time and I’ll be reimbursed for each course I successfully complete. I’ll have money to stay afloat but will I be able to stay afloat socially? Will I ever see my friends again? Aside from my social life I have a slew of extracurricular activities that currently keep me busy: running, violin, watercolor, and volleyball to name a few. Which one(s) will I have to give up? There is also my one true love: travel. Will I ever be able to go on vacation or will I have to use up all of my vacation days so I can catch up on homework? I really don’t know. I guess I didn’t stay optimistic for too long there, did I?

I think the whole “not knowing” thing (along with my excessive use of quotation marks) is really getting to me. I don’t know how I’m going to perform on this admission test. I don’t know if I’ll complete the prereqs as fast as I would like to. I don’t know what my academic, social, physical, musical, artistic or athletic standing will be next fall. There is no way to know.

My goal this season is to get a grip on my fear of the unknown. What will I absorb from this 346-page test prep book on my desk? I don’t know. However this lack of omniscience doesn’t mean I have to feel anxious. The thought of sacrificing personal time doesn’t have to send me down a whirlpool of despair. I want to set goals that will push me toward a better life. Right now my life rocks but with the right tweak in my career path I could be floating on clouds. At that point I could work on getting a more rational fear like acrophobia. Now we’re getting somewhere!

Instead of striving to control and predict every variable in my life I will focus of moving onward and upward. If for some reason this plan doesn’t work out I’m sure I’ll still pick up valuable knowledge and experience along the way. (Isn’t that always the case?) I’m starting this path knowing it might be “rough,” “terrible,” and “killer.” I just also hope it will be long and rewarding.