Fall of Focus

Yesterday I got to do one of my favorite things – I had my teeth cleaned at the dentist’s office. I enjoy cleanings not only because I get to brag about my awesome sister who is a dental hygienist, but also because my teeth feel so different afterward. It is kind of the same feeling I had when I got my braces off in high school – I am acutely aware of each tooth’s unique shape and texture. For several hours I have no desire to eat or drink anything that could affect their squeaky cleanliness. Inevitably, I end up eating something sugar-coated and that professional-grade toothpaste taste is gone. It’s a shame, really, because after a few days I revert to eating chewy candy and all kinds of other tooth-unfriendly items that dentists would surely frown upon. Today at work I mindlessly consumed a bag of M&Ms. They are not my favorite candy by any means, but I was still sad when my supply ran low. I started eating them one at a time, and the experience was completely different. Sure, it would still be considered an assault on my teeth, gums and pancreas, but forcing myself to slow down and crunch each candy shell one at a time gave me a lot more appreciation for the melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hands candy sensation. It made me focus on what I was doing and really consider the chemical content and artificial dyes I was consuming. It also made my mind wander to the not-so-distant past.

I worked as a summer camp counselor for many years and a couple of times we were able to take the kids to the Jelly Belly Factory in northern California on field trips. The kids loved the factory tour (even though we were required to wear funny paper hats) and most of all, the free samples. The little bags had a flavor mixing guide on the back that helped the kids form new combinations – though I’m not sure how appropriate a “banana-strawberry daiquiri” is for children. Regardless, there was a suggestion printed on each bag that the Jelly Bellies should be consumed only 1, 2 or 3 at a time to guarantee maximum enjoyment. I could see the manufacturer’s point but still there was no stopping the kids from emptying the entire bag into their mouths the second they got out of the factory. Sometimes I’d have flashbacks of Violet Beauregarde being blown up into a giant blueberry or Veruca Salt singing “I Want it Now” on “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.” Kids are adorable and loveable but by golly, if you give them candy they will consume it faster than an Oompa Loompa can say, “Doompadee doo.”

Although I have gotten a lot better, I have to admit that my most favorite foods still impose similar gorging risks. When I was in high school my family would eat pizza every Monday night. The pizza was usually from Round Table Pizza, a chain that luckily doesn’t exist in the town where I live now. I could easily eat 3 or 4 slices of large, thick crust pizza along with a cup or two of root beer. (That may not sound like a lot to you but believe me, I am a pizza fiend.) One time the Round Table Pizza box came with tips for being able to eat more pizza. One of the tips was, “Eat so fast that you’re brain doesn’t register you’re full.” Great idea! With that in mind I was able to completely ignore my stomach even though it would yell, “I’m full, I’m full!” My other solution was to stop drinking soda during dinner so precious space wouldn’t be taken up by carbonation. Dinner became a small eating competition instead of a chance for me to focus on my body’s needs and prevent my intake of excess helpings. The pizza was a way of coping with a tough day, just as today’s M&Ms were a way of passing time. It has taken me years to get a grip when it comes to pizza (it’s still one of my top three favorite foods) and while I may slip every once in a while, being hundreds of miles away from the nearest Round Table Pizza definitely has been an advantage.

Whether it is the minutest M&M or Jelly Belly residue that dulls the corners of my freshly scraped teeth, or the most enticing slice of pizza that makes my mind go into a fog, the result is the same: my focus is blurred. I can no longer appreciate the clean surfaces or useful hunger cues that remind me to carefully choose what I eat. Of course, eating isn’t everything. There is a whole slew of issues that need to be honed in on, and they vary greatly among each of us. My issues in the next three months include friends who will be soon be moving away and keeping in touch with those who have moved or become engaged or were recently married. While I am trying to help people through their own transitions I also need to take care of the changes in my life. The weather is turning and the slightest changes could go unnoticed if it weren’t for each first few trees on the mountainside that have turned red. They call my attention just like the cracking M&M shells. “Look at me, pay attention. Things are changing. It’s time to get in gear.” While summer always has been and most likely will always be my favorite season, I need to let go of the haze brought on by long days at the pool and late summer nights. The crisp air refuses to be ignored and causes each follicle in my scalp to prickle in response. Part of me wishes that I could whisk through the next six months so it can already be spring again, but the better part of me knows that I have to make each day count.

On Friday night I was lamenting the end of summer. Romy, Lola and I were driving to a comedy show on campus that was sure to both lift our spirits and remind us that school was back in full swing. Romy brought up the fact that the “Summer of No Expectations” was over and we needed a new theme for the fall. I was at a loss and threw out some ideas that were mediocre at best and cynical at worst. Then Lola struck the nail on the head. “How about the ‘Fall of Focus?’” I immediately knew that was it. Romy is focusing on another airtight semester, Lola is focusing on networking and getting a job in time for graduation, and I’m focusing on… well… it’s kind of a secret. (I’ve told some of you but I’m not ready to announce it to the world and I won’t be for a few more weeks, if ever.) Lola elaborated that we not only need to focus on our own goals, but we need to focus on the people around us and be happy for each one of them. That includes strangers with crying babies in the movie theaters (“Isn’t it great that they have a baby?”), couples on sidewalks (“Isn’t it great that they have each other?”) and every other imaginable thing that we don’t yet have but fully intend to get one day. Right now we can’t focus on what we lack. Instead we have to think uplifting thoughts and remain focused on all the work it will take to get to where we want to go.

Somehow my empty M&Ms bag snuck into my purse and made it home with me. I was hoping I had missed a stray morsel of joy but it seems like my luck has run out. Instead I get to take a careful look at the dreaded nutrition label on the back. It actually doesn’t seem too bad (not nearly as chemical as I imagined it’d be) although there’s no telling what goes into the creation of Blue 1 Lake, Red 40 Lake, Yellow 6, Yellow 5, Red 40, Blue 1, Blue 2 Lake, Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake and Blue 2. What I do know is that the individual M&M colors are vibrant and beautiful in their own right – crisp as leaves on fall trees. It is tempting to garble and mangle them by the handful, letting my mouth dissolve each creation with an appetite bred of boredom, turning them into a muddy mess. We can do the same thing with individual hours, days and weeks. We want to mindlessly mash them all together until they pass through us and it is once again our favorite time of year – the easiest season to bear. The challenge during this “Fall of Focus” is to let each segment of the season take on its own life and personality. Let it shout at you, “I’m full of possibility! Pay attention! It’s time to get in gear!”

Although fall inevitably leads to winter, the transition doesn’t have to be cold and solitary. There is warmth in friendship and family. Leaves will fall, decompose and blow away as dust, but somehow they manage to grow back. Change may be the only constant but in the interim we can enjoy the unique elements that combine to create each color, each moment, each memory. In the end maybe, just maybe, summer will come back to us faster than we think.