Tetrominoes!

“Just keep up. You have to keep up,” was all I could say to myself last week. The week ended in a flurry of activity, both social and academic, that kept me busier than I prefer to be. Since I like being busy you can imagine what it would take to push me to my limit. The week’s pace continued through the weekend which was also nonstop. The breaks during which I could catch a breath never seemed long enough. In the few moments where all was still, the quiet only brought to mind more tasks at hand, including some things I had forgotten to do the previous week. The weekend wasn’t as much of a break as it was a compound fracture. Things were out of hand, stress protruded from me like shards of bone, and Monday was racing nearer.

Monday was what I refer to as a collapse day. I was singlehandedly trying to hold up the sky and plug every leak that each storm cloud threatened to pour out. Nothing bad happened that day, but I can’t remember much good about it either. I dismissed it as another Monday devoid of remarkable events. Then Tuesday came – more pressure, more intensity, more urgency. I will not have chaos in my life so I countered with control. However, very little was under my control. “Just keep up. You have to keep up,” echoed through my mind. At one point I froze in the middle of my tasks, in need of a deep breath, and attempted to methodically collect my thoughts which had scattered to and fro like marbles on a granite floor.

Here I was, little ole me, trying to hold the whole world together. The challenge was the same as always – keep it together. Anticipate trouble and fix it before anyone notices. Somehow, routine tasks had gotten out of hand. I thought back and wondered if this was a gradual process (like a frog slowly being boiled alive in a pot of water) or a temporary problem (like a quick rainstorm which would soon clear out until next season). For the time being I am convinced it is the former. A few years ago it felt like the pace of my life was picking up in a predictable, linear fashion. Sure, time seemed to be going faster but I was able to rely on a steady stream of past experiences to get me through new obstacles. Recently, the pace seems to have taken on an exponential growth rate. I am wondering what will happen if the line eventually shoots off the charts.

If I had spoken to you as Tuesday trounced all over me, I would have told you I was living in a Tetris game. Tetris starts off at a level we all know and love – Level One. Everything makes sense in Level One, but soon we are ready for a challenge and it’s time to advance. Early on, moving to the next level seems like a great reward. “Yeah, I’m ready for this!” As the game’s speed increases and impossible combinations of shapes are dropped into your ever more disorderly world you think to yourself, “What exactly did I sign up for?” Even more questionable is your desire to keep moving forward. Whether you like it or not you improve in the game and are pushed forward. (Forward is good, right? Well, that may be debatable.) As you reach higher levels and push yourself to keep up with the frantic pace and falling shapes, the quickened cadence becomes the new standard by which to measure your success. What once seemed chaotic now seems normal, and you brace yourself for more.

At times, failure falls upon even the most adept Tetris player. I was never a great Tetris player and if I were to pick up the game today I would probably be sent back to Level One more times that I’d prefer to admit. Even so, Level One is a great place. Unpredictable challenges can quickly be sorted into level piles of successfully completed work. However, Level One can’t last forever.

One thing Tetris doesn’t teach you is how to cope with a level that outmatches your skill set. The only way to progress in Tetris is by earning your way there. Life is constantly throwing things at me and saying, “Can you handle that? No? Deal with it anyway!” I continually ask myself, “How on earth did I get here?” and, “Am I qualified for this?” And there’s always the question, “Do I really want to progress to something harder or should I pay a nostalgic visit to Level One instead?” Since life doesn’t come equipped with a “pause” button (only a costly mimic called “denial”), I have a tendency to hold my arms up to the sky and keep anything else from dropping down on me. As the rate and pressure intensify, it doesn’t take long to realize this “break” is going to break me. Sometimes my tibia snaps, other times my fibula. My knees and ankles squeak and creak, but I still hold up the sky. Just as I think my plan is working, I reach the breaking point and everything collapses, including the crumpled bones in my legs.

What is the solution for fixing sore arms and broken legs? Run. On Wednesday night I went to the track and ran for the first time in a week and a half. I involuntarily ran much faster than normal (my body must have sensed that my poor little mind has been in control for far too long) and I couldn’t slow my pace. Nothing could have felt better. I am no expert in physiology but I know I carry stress around in my body. It is very easy to talk myself out of running, (“I’m too busy!”) but choosing to run is one of the best possible uses of my time. If you feel overwhelmed the best possible thing to do is take a break. It may seem counterintuitive to take valuable time away from your tasks, but your personal well being will always outweigh your to-do list.

Today I feel a lot better about things, but not for any reasons I trust. Could it be the allure of a restful weekend? Is it the promise of getting pizza in class tonight? Or maybe is it because I am planning to take a break in a few hours and spend perfectly valuable time watching TV? Perhaps I am gleefully anticipating a few days off next week for Thanksgiving. Regardless, I can tell you that today’s outlook is very promising. I can look back on this week and say I did everything I could. Even though I can’t count on anything that may happen in a few hours or a few days, I can tell you that someone has hit the elusive “pause” button for me. While this may just be the calm before another storm, I am glad to have time to collect my thoughts and recommit to this crazy life of mine.