Winter of Worth

There is something electrifying about the beginning of a new year. I clearly remember December 31st, 2009. Everything seemed to have gone kaput but 2010 promised to be a new beginning and a major turning point for several people I was close to. It felt really good to know that 2009 was over. Only a few months into 2010 there proved to be major problems. I won’t go into the details but I experienced three heart-wrenching losses in February, April and May. Suddenly 2010 wasn’t turning out to be everything it had promised. While I had equally amazing experiences last year, it will probably go down in my personal history as the “fake out” year.

I wanted to end the year well so I tried a new goal – studying for the GMAT in hopes of earning a competitive score for business school. Perhaps I could end the year with a bang. As was fitting of 2010, it was a bang indeed. It sounded kind of like a “ka-boom!” and I believe my performance would be termed a “bomb.” I took the GMAT on December 18th and while I have had a chance to tell some of you personally, I’m telling the rest of you now that I fell well below the score I was aiming for. (The GMAT is computer-based and you receive your verbal and quantitative scores before leaving the testing center.) At about 8 pm I left the testing center with my head down wondering what on earth I had done wrong. I thought I had done really well but I was shocked to see my score was about 100 points lower than I predicted. I couldn’t imagine telling everyone about what had happened. I just kept thinking, “It wasn’t even worth it.”

Luckily I was able to go home for Christmas and get the GMAT off my mind. I came back to P-town in time for a very inspiring New Year’s Eve party. Everyone was rallying. Several people echoed the “See ya 2010!” sentiment and we ended the year in style. By Sunday my mind was swimming with ideas for New Year’s resolutions and winter goals. I was excited for the new opportunities this year hold. At church I was listening with new ears and seeing with new eyes. I had been trying to think of a theme for winter and it finally hit me: this is the Winter of Worth. Not only I am going to make the next three months count, but I’m also going to focus on others’ worth. I also want to understand where my feelings of self worth come from. Usually I prefer to enter hibernation mode during winter but instead this will be the season where I commit to seeing the value in everything around me. I am going to break out of my “me me me” mind frame and build the teams I am a part of. It feels too early to abandon the Christmas spirit and I want to see how long I can hold onto it. If I can spend my time more wisely and allow others to show me all the ways I can improve then perhaps nothing will send 2011 into a tailspin.

Even though I feel like the GMAT was a waste, I’m pretty sure this feeling is temporary. It was good to do a deep math review and I learned a lot of grammar rules that I didn’t even know existed. As for the GMAT score which will haunt me for the next five years (even if I take it again and score higher, the admissions committees will be able to see this initial score) I am learning to not let it define my abilities. Some day I’ll know that this bump in the road was all worth it.

As time goes on I have a better understanding of the deep sorrows and unmatched joys that life holds. I know that no one is immune to disappointment and grief. I have been thinking a lot about how I can better, “mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort,” (Mosiah 18:9). I think the answer is to learn the meaning of charity. The exact definition has eluded me for years, perhaps because I’ve scarcely allowed it to work in my heart. Alma 34:29 reads, “Therefore, if ye do not remember to be charitable, ye are as dross, which the refiners do cast out, (it being of no worth) and is trodden under foot of men.” That’s a scary thought. Oftentimes I measure my self worth by criteria that have little to nothing to do with charity. The ability to draw confidence and motivation by meeting worldly criteria can quickly shatter when a valued possession, ability or opportunity is taken away. Although it is nice to have nice things and live in nice places and wear nice clothes, those things will never be more important than the ability to love and learn.

Proverbs 3:13-18 reads, “Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. Her ways are ways of pleasantries, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.”

In my quest to see worth in everything around me and value the time I’ve been allotted, perhaps I will become better acquainted with charity. It is very sad to see the warm Christmas season dissipate amidst a frigid January backdrop, and I believe we’d all be much happier if taking down the Christmas lights didn’t coincide with boxing up our charitable compassion. Make the season last, find the worth in every day – even the tough ones – and love those who have been placed in your path. Maybe one day we’ll be able to trade in our Christmas trees for the tree of life. When Nephi witnessed the tree of life in a vision an angel asked, “Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?” (1 Nephi 11:21) Nephi replied, “Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable above all things,” (1 Nephi 11:22). But that’s not all. The angel replied, “Yea, and the most joyous to the soul,” (1 Nephi 11:23).

I want this year to be memorable for all the right reasons. Maybe it will be the year I truly learn how to love. Maybe it will be the year I stop watching too much TV. Whatever the reason, I just hope I can be driven by a selfless desire to bring joy to others. I’ll need help with this, so please remind me on the way. I definitely can’t do it alone.