Note from Self

Dear Amber,

It’s time you and I had a little chat. I need to know something and you’re the only one who has the answers. Please don’t be offended by my questions. Just hear me out.

I need to know what you’re doing and where you’re going. Just as important, I need to know what’s holding you back. Why do you shrink from challenges and prefer to be invisible when all you really want is to be seen? What would it take for you to step up and do what you want when you want? What are you waiting for? Are you hoping someone will come along and define you or are you just looking for someone to point you in the right direction? Do you honestly believe you have potential to do more or do you completely rely on validation and encouragement from others? Would you be able to do without anyone ever taking notice of your modest accomplishments and small victories? Could you become something different if you wanted to?

I know this is a lot of questions. Here are some more. Why do you do the things you do? Is it for you or someone else? You work, but who do you work for? You study, but why? You practice, but can you convince yourself you’re not doing it to impress someone? You run. Are you running from someone or towards something? Have you ever thought about this before? Do these questions bother you?

You are meek but you are rebellious. You are reliable but you are unpredictable. You are loyal but you are devious. You are a chameleon – always readjusting, blending, smoothing out the edges. But I know the truth: you can’t be everything at once no matter how hard you try. You have to decide if you can value someone else more than your own self-interest. Can you do it? Can you forget yourself long enough to become lost in something greater?

Sorry, I don’t mean to badger you. It’s just that sometimes we go so long ignoring each other that I worry you forget I’m here. You dodge my glance and withdraw from my reach. It’s always a balancing act with you. We both know what you really want but you use excuses to keep from going for it. This chat is long overdue. You have a decision to make. We stand at a crossroads: we can keep doing what we’re doing or take the diverging path. Which will it be?

It really comes down to two choices: stay how you are or change everything. At least one of these choices is right. That’s why the decision is so impossible. You’re not a bad person, just kind of a coward. You do things well, but you could do just about everything better. But they – the ones outside – can’t be your reason for doing any of it. They are bystanders. We are the ones in control. This is a self-fueled engine – it’s just me and you pushing each other until the end of time.

Listen, I know you hate talking to me. I’m imagining your face right now. You look stressed, weary, frustrated. You are longing for the silence you were enjoying before these words began spilling out in the unfiltered and disorderly fashion you find so distasteful. But it doesn’t matter to me. I know you well enough to know that you will get over this small disruption of your nightly routine. You’ll shrug off my words as they blend into the foggy ending of another long and forgettable day. Before you go back to your peace and quiet just hear me out a little longer.

Hibernation is no way to live. Sleepwalking doesn’t count either. You can’t blindly wander through life expecting to stumble into the answers. You have to keep your eyes open and always be alert or you’ll never find what you’re looking for. You’re the one who gets to go out and have the fun while I’m stuck in here processing all of the serious stuff. Just listen to me this one time: you can do more. Please just push a little harder. I think we’re one the edge of something great and I swear I’ll throw you over if you keep ignoring me. I’m ready for something new and it’s time we take the ride of our lives. Let’s do this thing, but let’s do it together. It’s just me and you and you’re the only one who has the answers. So, what do you say?

Sincerely,

Self