Friends Don't Let Friends Date Friends

I returned home from my mission in July 2006. Four weeks later, I moved back to P-town for my senior year of college. I had signed a contract at the same apartment complex I had lived in during my junior year (2003-2004). I wanted to return to something familiar and I was lucky enough to move in with two friends I had met during that school year. Within days of moving in we befriended two guys (Andy and Drew) who lived in the same complex. Much to our surprise, we formed a tight bond and became a solid group of five. One of my friends’ little sisters joined the group and started dating Andy. Over the next eight months we were inseparable, perhaps mostly held together by this core couple. (They had that rare luxury of meeting and immediately dating, instead of risking an existing friendship.) The six of us spent most weekends together and stayed up several nights just laughing our heads off. (That amount of time together led to a lot of inside jokes and even a few practical jokes.) We all grew close and, as was inevitable, there was a constant flux of crushes interchanging between members in the group. It seemed like every time one of us got a new roommate, a new combination of flirtations erupted.

Spring came and the couple abruptly broke up. They got back together and broke up again a few more times and the rest of us stood by trying to figure out which friendships were going to endure. The guys got a new roommate (Max) and he became one of us. Despite the ups and downs in the core relationship, we had a great spring as a group of (mostly) seven. When summer finally arrived the couple’s relationship seemed to be over for good. My two roommates moved out and suddenly we were down to a group of four – the three guys and me. I had never seen myself as the type to hang out with a bunch of guys all the time but that is definitely how I’d define the summer of 2007. It was also the summer I was graduating and preparing to move back to California for graduate school. In the midst of this upcoming transition, something interested happened. All of a sudden I realized I was about to leave college having never dated anyone. By this point Max and Drew were dating other girls in the ward and that left Andy and I with a lot of time to ourselves. I told Drew that I had a crush on Andy and he told me I should tell him. After all, I was going to be moving to California in a month and I could at least have some fun before I left. The thought of telling Andy really scared me but I considered my options. It went something like this:

Andy is one of my closest friends BUT

Is it more important to have friends or to DATE?

Well, it is probably more important to date.

Is there a chance that I’m going to have guy friends after I get married? PROBABLY NOT

Well, why not get rid of some of them by trying to date them?

HEY! Sounds like a great plan!

To make a LONG story short, I told Andy I wanted to date him. Andy first said yes he’d like to date, then he said wait he’d like to think about it, then one day later he said yes he’d like to date, then nine hours later he said wait maybe not, then three days later he said, "Let’s not." It was pretty devastating because a few weeks later I found out he had “gotten back together” with my friend’s little sister. I decided to cut my losses, finish out the summer, and move back to California.

In the short month I had left I stopped paying attention to Andy and another guy started paying attention to me. I ended up ditching grad school to continue dating him. Drew, Andy and Max were all very surprised to hear I decided to stay after all. By the end of the year my new relationship was over (and so was Andy’s) and I was back to spending most Friday and Saturday evenings on their couch watching TV.

The next big change came in the fall of 2008. After knowing me for more than two years, Andy kissed me. We decided to date. I was really thrilled but the memory of our fake-out dating episode in the summer of 2007 kept coming back to haunt me. I couldn’t seem to shake my insecurities and by this point I had few friends besides these three guys. I worried that if my relationship with Andy crumbled, I would also lose Drew and Max. By now our friendships were no longer something I half-considered throwing away in the name of dating. This relationship had to work.

It didn’t.

When I sensed trouble (which happened early and often during our two-month dating stint), I would panic. Tension was always present as I tried to figure out how to shift from being friends to being a couple. There were a few moments when everything was perfect and I cling onto them even though I have no right to. One night in January Andy came over and told me, “I’m thinking I don’t want to date anymore.” He said he still wanted to be friends but I didn’t see him until Max’s wedding in March of 2009. Andy brought his new girlfriend to the reception and it was completely devastating. I recoiled and kept my distance until duty called and I had to attend Drew’s birthday dinner in June. Andy brought yet another new girlfriend (how many times would I have to see myself replaced?) and I couldn’t even look at them across the table. I just wanted everything to disappear.

2009 was proving to be quite a pill. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and act normal during the fall. I grew to really like Andy’s new girlfriend and my “old school” group celebrated my 26th birthday at my apartment along with all of the new friends I had made in the guys’ absence. Soon the snow started falling and the year began to draw to an end. One night in December Andy called me and I thought maybe he and Drew wanted to celebrate the end of finals. It would be just like old times. When I picked up the phone I could tell there was something very different in his voice. I said, “You’re engaged, aren’t you?” He said yes. I was happy. He told me a few of the details and I was proud of the work he put into ring shopping and planning the proposal. I hung up the phone. I told myself, “I’m happy for him.” Then I cried and cried.

Andy got married exactly one year after Max. I was out of the country and missed the wedding but I suppose that was a blessing in disguise because I still had trouble looking at the invitation. I needed more time. It is hard to believe that 2010 is almost over but I have been able to see the group a few times. Last Friday we were all together celebrating my birthday. We were at a comedy show and Drew proposed to his girlfriend on stage and I was once again reminded that I am the seventh wheel. Not the third, not the fifth. The seventh. I guess that’s what I get for turning 27. I sometimes wonder if I should continue clinging onto these friendships in hopes that when I get married I will be in full standing with them and get invited on all of the their “couples” outings. Then I wonder if any amount of inclusion could be worth all of the heartache and the constant reminders that they’ve moved on with their lives and I can’t seem to catch up.

As the memories of these last four years distill and float through my mind, let me leave you with some final words of advice: Friends don’t let friends date friends. Friends are precious, but most of them are temporary. If you think you can put a friendship on the line and snatch it back the second you break up with someone who had been your friend, you are mistaken. The people we love most are the ones who are capable of hurting us the most. This has been proven to me over and over again. Life is unpredictable and it rarely follows the course we have set. Instead, go with the flow. Just try to not break too many hearts in the process, especially those of your friends.

Too Many Fish in the Sea

Many people regard P-town as the perfect place to date. There are thousands of young single adults looking for love and many people have time on their side. If you've ever been told, "There are plenty of other fish in the sea," you should see P-town. It's more like a hatchery. There are schools upon schools of fish going in different directions and avoiding various predators - whether it's the snapping jaws of finals week or the paralyzing tentacles of Monday morning. There are all kinds of fish - student fish, worker fish, foreign fish, athletic fish, artistic fish, political fish, fighter fish, couch potato fish and everything in between. Some know how to do amazing tricks and others have gorgeous scales. They're constantly developing skills to attract a mate and they always know how to find out what the other fish are doing. They swim in circles going through college semesters, fiscal quarters and whatever else their 365-day calendar has in store for them.

In contrast, my hometown is more like a pond. There are some fish in there but it seems like there are a lot of lily pads, shadows and empty space. New fish rarely come along and most of the fish in the pond have known each other since birth. Not much going on there.

Back to P-town: it's a swim-for-your-life environment. Find a clique and keep up. There's safety in numbers, but I fear there is also a false sense of optimism. Anyone like me who's a transplant from a home pond and has tried to assimilate in hopes of finding someone to date can probably agree that it is a daunting task. Sure, we are surrounded by other fish but the problem is the sheer volume of options. I always thought I liked a certain type of fish but now that I've gotten to know so many fish I can't really figure out what I like best. Maybe the ones with big eyes, or rough fins, or flashy scales or sparkling teeth. Suddenly, instead of being involved in a group survival effort, this little venture has become all about me, me, me.

Okay, enough fish talk. The thing about young single adults sticking in their hometowns or other cities that are not the "Mecca of Mormon Dating" (aka P-town) is that they're forced to take a good long look at the people around them. They are hesitant to write someone off because the selection is limited. In contrast, people constantly write each other off in P-town. "She's not talkative enough," "He's not athletic enough," "She isn't conservative enough," "He doesn't drive a nice enough car," and yadda yadda. There are dozens of other ridiculous reasons but I think the main problem is that we look right through each other. We're so used to being surrounded by people who are like us that we take it for granted and assume we'll just run into another dozen or so attractive (possibly single) members of the opposite gender every day for the rest of our existence. As long as BYU stands, the flocks will come every year. There's just one problem: you and I are getting older. The freshmen will always be 18 and the age gap will grow until we wonder what on earth we're still doing here. "Well, there's no one to date in my hometown, so..." So what? What are we going to do about this? Here are some options I've pondered:

Option 1 : "Move out" - Perhaps it's best to find new waters. I've always heard there are a lot of church members in Arizona. Maybe the heat wouldn't be that bad. However, moving is a pain and I'd have to leave my job which is a big no-no.

Option 2: "Give up" - While it sounds tempting and oh so relaxing to retire from the dating scene, I'm afraid it would be too boring. There's something to be said for the foot-stomping, fist-wringing, hair-pulling frustration, suspense and regret that is characteristic of a good dating drama. On the other hand, nothing can compare to the head-reeling, stomach-dropping, heart-racing elation that comes from a dating success.

Option 3: "Bide your time" - Maybe if I just keep doing what I'm doing, I'll trip over an obvious solution. Either that or my 31st birthday will jump out and bite me on the butt. This option sounds only mildly more appealing than standing in a mine field during a hailstorm.

Option 4: "Make something happen" - Now, this sounds a little better. It makes my stomach wriggle a bit, which must mean it's got potential to change the status quo.

I have chosen Option 4, and thank heavens I'm not the only one. Guys, just in case you're wondering, the reason more and more girls are asking guys out on dates is because they're tired of waiting for something to happen. (Dare I say - they're tired of being ignored.) They are curious about you (or they just need a date to their mission reunion) and are trying to figure you out. Play nice, but do what you want us to do: be honest. The truth is the vast majority of singles living in P-town can step up their game. I don’t mean play games, but saddle up and get out there. If you happen to fall upon disappointment in P-town, don’t worry. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Literally.