Pages

4.08.2013

Left with the Pieces



I never thought you’d leave my life
You were the one sure thing
But you decided to leave this world
Why couldn’t you take me?

You were always there
To spring me loose when I got caught
You were the brightest beam
Now I am here and you are not

Here I am – left with the pieces
Drawers of clothes, boxes of books
Pictures in frames 
It’s harder than it looks

So many times I’ve wondered
If I should come to your side
But I know I would hurt others
So I keep it all inside

Here I stay – left with the pieces
Piles of letters, vases of flowers
A eulogy to write
Plenty of work to fill the hours

I’m trapped with nowhere to turn
I can’t say how I really feel
Instead I will praise your life
I’ll keep my part of the deal

Here I lay – left with the pieces
A heart full of sorrow
A head full of memories
A life without tomorrow

.....

This one's for the survivors.

3.22.2013

Spring of Dreaming



I am overdue in addressing my blog name change. In December I changed the title of this blog to “The Dreamer.” You may remember it was called “Discovering Me.” I am not saying my quest for self-discovery is fulfilled and over but I am saying I know I’m a dreamer. I would also like to say that I feel like the old name was pretentious. I think a lot things I do are pretentious. I’m trying to fix that. The URL of this blog hasn’t changed (discoveramber.blogspot.com) but hopefully you’ll forgive me. I always wanted to find a sweet picture of a mosquito frozen in amber (à la Jurassic Park) and use it as the main image for this blog but I was worried about getting into copyright trouble. I wanted the picture to tell you something along the lines of, “Hey, ‘discovering amber’ kind of has a double meaning – like – it kind of has to do with discovering that dino DNA (or something equally as fantastical) can be found in amber!” Hopefully the title of my blog didn’t make you roll your eyes too many times over the years.

I spend a lot of time apologizing (see above) or blaming myself for things that go wrong. That most likely won’t change. What I would like to change is the over-arching career and life path I’m on. Right now it’s all “slow and steady” and I prefer to see the action pick up. As I’ve discussed before I have always valued stability. I just re-read my “Fragility/Stability/Agility” post from last May and it was an interesting look back at the past. I made a big decision and moved from P-town to New City (not to be confused with NYC) in August 2012. I’ve been here for almost eight months now. The move was good for me. I am able to keep in contact with friends in P-town (only 30 miles away) and I have made wonderful friends in my New City. I hit my five-year mark with Adobe on February 25th and I couldn’t have been happier to “make it.” My coworkers and I have been enjoying our shiny, new office building since November 2012. I feel like some great things have changed in my life but there is huge potential for more change. I am open to it. I just need to believe the following:

-I have the potential to change my career
-I can do more than what I’m currently doing
-No matter where I go I can call it “home”
-People care about me and they’ll help me succeed
-I will be guided when making big life decisions
-I should wish for the presence of hope, not the absence of fear
-If I decide to move on with my life my friends will support me
-"Change is always a good thing" (according to my friend Malin)
-I can be confident in my abilities
-I should listen to my heart
-Risks can pay off
-If all else fails I always have Mom and Dad

After reading the list above you might think I’m getting ready to move to the moon or something. I assure you that is not the case. Right now I’m just getting ready to consider moving somewhere if that is what it takes to keep my life moving forward. I am happy where I am but I can’t tell if I’m progressing. It’s like being on a ship that is so far from the coast you can’t even tell you’re moving.

Basically, this spring is about “dreaming a little bigger.”


May your dreams be bigger and better, too.

2.13.2013

The Boys Are Back in Town




The Dixon Boys
Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that had been away
Haven't changed, haven't much to say
But man, I still think them cats are crazy
  

Several weeks ago I was resigned to a nearly TV-less life. All of my favorite shows were on hiatus and so was my TV-fueled happiness. My DVR never had anything to show for itself when I got home from work. I spent most of my newly freed-up time eating junk food and thinking about places I’d rather live. Without recorded shows for company life was just kind of “eh.” I felt like the lone kid who had to go to summer school while all my friends were off on exotic vacations. “I wonder what ‘Psych’ and ‘Covert Affairs’ are up to. Is ‘Grimm’ having fun in Europe? Did ‘Survivor’ ever decide where she was doing Study Abroad? Does ‘Amazing Race’ really get to travel the whole globe again? Can ‘The Walking Dead’ please hurry up and come back home already?’” Lucky for me three of my besties (“Face/Off,” “Switched at Birth” and “Modern Family”) trickled in during the month of January. Although it was great to have them back I couldn’t help but daydream of the mid-season premiere of “The Walking Dead” and the season 26 premiere of “Survivor.”

On Sunday night my dearly departed zombies and their precocious people prey waltzed, walked and walloped their way back onto my flat screen. And oh, the joy. The pure, pure joy. A few of my friends (human friends, not TV show friends) accompanied me as I gasped, winced and flinched through the episode. Counting down to our previously agreed-upon start time of 11 pm was like counting down to Christmas. How sick is that? It doesn’t matter. These things – strange, fictional, crazy, simple things – make me happy. To be more precise they fill a very specific bucket of happiness and dump it into my happiness well. The fuller, the better. When the well is on the verge of running dry it is most likely due to a months-long break between seasons of “Survivor.” Luckily a big ole rainstorm is brewing tonight!

“This is the DAWNing of the age of Aquarius! Age of Aquarius! Aquarius! Aquarius!” Okay, sorry, it actually isn’t. This is Dawn Meehan. I got carried away with all of that water talk. Dawn will be returning to play “Survivor” on tonight’s premiere of Fans vs. Favorites. I have not seen every episode of “Survivor” – I missed a previous season of Fans vs. Favorites – but I did see Dawn’s original season and I’m excited to see her back again. There are plenty of loonies on the Favorites team that I never wanted to see again but Jeff Probst is pumped about this season and it’s never wise to disagree with a guy who looks like this. If Sunday night was Christmas Eve then it looks like New Year’s Eve has come a few days early! Party!!!

Best of luck to Dawn Meehan, the Rick Grimes Gang and all of my friends (TV show friends, not human friends) who are still making their way back from vacation. At least the sorrow of the impending summer TV slow-down will be assuaged by actual summer weather.

That jukebox in the corner blasting out my favorite song
The nights are getting warmer, it won't be long
Won't be long till summer comes
Now that the boys are here again


Lyrics courtesy of lyricsondemand.com 

1.21.2013

Winter of Writing



Source: etsy.com via Susan on Pinterest

Last Monday I was completely prepared to register for my third watercolor class. I had my eye on a class offered through the local school district’s Community Education program. I decided to take one more look at the program’s online catalog. I clicked on “Miscellaneous Classes” link and saw a class title that has refused to leave me alone since I first laid eyes on it in December: “Beginning Fiction Writing.” The class description looked pretty straightforward, “Exploring various works of popular fiction to determine what makes them successful. Students will have the option to submit their own works for class analysis. Students will learn to evaluate the different elements that make up good fiction and learn how to apply these elements to their own works. The course will require some work outside of class.” The last sentence was the hook for me.

I’ve had an idea for a [potentially very long] story ever since 2009. When I started this blog in 2010 I thought I would play around with the story, draft it and release “chapters” to see if the story was actually interesting to anyone. The problem is, as of last Monday, I had never once drafted a single word of the story. (I only had a few possible titles, a four-page premise and a list of principal characters). I was always too scared to start writing the story because I had never taken a creative writing class in college and I was sure my method would be bogus. This little $35 Community Education course with the promise of homework assignments was just what I needed to make me start writing something.

I set my watercolor aspirations aside and registered for the writing class. The first class took place the following evening (Tuesday 1/15). The instructor gave us a brief course overview and then we got right to the good stuff. An hour and a half later she asked us if we would be comfortable bringing a 3-page writing sample to class the following week. We agreed to do the assignment and as I drove home I realized it really was “go” time. Since Tuesday I have spent the majority of my free time outlining my characters and doing some research and development. If I stick with this project beyond the life of the writing course it will potentially turn into a multiyear project. I don’t have a great track record of sticking with big life plans but I can tell you that this last week has been a wonderful and liberating jaunt into a world that is mine to create. Life is a little more fun this way. My mind is working double-time trying to hold onto each idea that floats through it. I have never found myself scrambling for a pen and paper so many times in one day.

As of tonight I have written the first four pages of a very raw first draft of my story. I’m a little nervous about sharing it with my class tomorrow but luckily there are only four other students. (I should probably be more nervous about squeezing into one of the middle school student-sized desks!) Regardless of the feedback I receive tomorrow I am happy knowing that I have 1,997 words written instead of zero. I just need to put a little more trust in myself and keep going. For now I am going to let my mind keep wandering - with my notebook close by, of course - and see what my imagination can cook up.

1.10.2013

South Africa TravelBlogue (Part 10 – Panorama Route, Flight home & Conclusion)



SATURDAY 11/24

On Saturday morning, after spending a lovely evening in our log chalet at Zur Alten Mine Guest Farm, my mom and I loaded our suitcases and backpacks into our rental car. We had breakfast with the other B&B guests. To tell the truth “breakfast” doesn’t quite describe it. It was more like a feast. I had three pieces of chocolate cake. If that’s considered wrong then I don’t want to be right. We settled our bill with the owner and he helped us decide which Panorama Route sights to stop off at. We only had two hours to spare before we had to begin the five-hour drive to Johannesburg Airport. As we discussed our options the owner asked us if we had heard about the famous person who had died in the United States the previous day. We hadn’t. He regrettably informed us that Gene Hackman had passed away. I was really surprised. I didn’t even know he was sick. It wasn’t until we got home that we realized that it was Larry Hagman, not Gene Hackman. (I just looked both of them up on IMDB and Gene is almost two years older than Larry. Stay strong, Gene!)

After we created our game plan for the day we said farewell to our gracious hosts and drove to Bourke’s Luck Potholes. These “potholes” were formed naturally and they are quite a sight to behold. They were named after Tom Bourke who predicted he would make a fortune prospecting for gold in the potholes. Sadly he didn’t have much luck.




We used our remaining time to visit Lisbon Falls. I had promised one of my friends that I would take a picture of a waterfall for her. Here it is:


Just before noon my mom and I officially set our sights on Johannesburg. On our way out of Graskop we stopped off at a woodcarver’s roadside craft stand. The man was very nice. My mom bought one of his carved birds. I was tempted to buy something but I decided to hold onto my cash for upcoming toll roads and one final souvenir run at the Johannesburg airport.


Whilst en route to the airport we stayed on the Panorama Route for as long as possible. Eventually we had to get on the “real” freeway. The skies were a little cloudy and at a few points we experienced some moderate rain. I realized we were incredibly lucky – we had never once been rained on during the trip. This was the dreariest scene we saw the entire time:


We arrived at the airport with plenty of time to return our rental car and go through multiple security checkpoints. It’s a good thing we did because my poor mom had a terrible time over at the Air France check-in counter. I would be flying Delta to Salt Lake City via Atlanta. My mom would be flying Air France to San Francisco via Paris. We both had to print our boarding passes and check in our bags at our respective airline counters. My Delta check-in process took me about 10 minutes. My mom’s check-in took her at least 45 minutes. The Air France desk was in complete disarray and when I walked over there it looked like some of the passengers were ready to throw punches. At that point my flight’s departure time was quickly approaching so my mom and I parted ways. The next line I had to go through (where Customs stamps your passport) took me about 45 minutes. It was awful, mostly because I was baking hot and I didn’t have water in my water bottle. (I hate that rule!) I sincerely dislike the Johannesburg Airport. Regardless, I’m sure I will return one day. I will just be sure to avoid Air France!

When I arrived at my gate I had to show my passport to enter the waiting area. The boarding process began a little while later and when I boarded I had to show my passport for the fourth and final time. They sure had a lot of security protocols! I found my seat and settled in for a long, long flight. Seventeen hours long to be exact. The best part of the flight was the fact that the middle seat on my row was empty. This made for a much more comfortable ride. In order to readjust to the US time zones I knew I had to stay awake for the first 6-8 hours of the flight. After that I could sleep the rest of the flight and be on a mostly normal schedule. With the help of some prescribed sleeping pills I was able to get a good night’s rest.

SUNDAY 11/25

On Sunday morning I woke up with a few more hours to go before my flight landed. I ate breakfast and watched another movie. Near the end of the flight I took a look at the flight route map and almost laughed out loud. The flight was crazy long!


When I landed in Atlanta it was a great relief to walk around for a little bit! I found my next gate and wrote in my journal to whittle down the 3.5 hour layover. After I burned out on writing I used my iPhone to catch up on a few emails and Facebook posts. Eventually I boarded my flight to Salt Lake City. The end was in sight – only four more hours of flying to go! To my surprise this last flight is the one that nearly undid me. There was someone in the seat next to me so all of the stretching out space I had on the other plane was gone. Plus I had already been in a car, in an airport, at a gate, or on a plane for the last 28 hours. I was ready to be done!

When I landed in Salt Lake City I did a little victory dance (mentally, not physically), claimed my baggage and met Stella outside for a lovely ride back to her place. She had to leave for church right away but I had time to grab the stuff I had left in her condo and give her a thank-you hug. I loaded up my car and nervously sat in the driver’s seat before I set out. I was a little scared to drive back to my apartment since I had sat in the passenger seat and observed reverse-direction traffic for the last week and a half. (What if I forgot which side of the road I was supposed to be on?) I made it home problem free. I finished writing in my journal before I allowed myself to unpack, take a shower or turn on the TV. I used my remaining hours of freedom to stretch out on my couch (PRICELESS) and catch up on my DVR and talk to a few friends.

EPILOGUE

In the weeks since the trip I have had several dreams about being on safari. I really hope I can make it back to South Africa one day. If you like animals I would completely recommend saving up your money and going to South Africa for a safari. My entire trip cost about $4,000 but it was paid for a little at a time – first the Delta flights, then an in-country South Africa flight, then a deposit on the safari lodge, then my cash withdrawals in-country, then my credit card purchases, and finally all of the money I still owed my mom.

Many people have asked me what my favorite part of the trip was. I really can’t pinpoint an exact moment. There are too many to choose from! All I can really offer is a Top 10 Moments in chronological order. (You’ll notice they all involve animals.)

Great White Shark Dive (Part 3)
 
Penguins at Betty’s Bay (Part 3)
 
Baboons on the car (Part 5)

Herd of elephants (Part 6)

Bathing hyena (Part 7)
 
Finding the lionesses (Part 8)

Searching for the Africa wild dogs (Part 8)

Watching a newborn wildebeest learn to walk (Part 8)

Spotting the rhinoceros (Part 9)
 
All four leopard sightings (Part 6, 7, 9)

Safaris may be seen as a once-in-a-lifetime vacation but I recommend setting aside time for two or three trips to Africa. Once you get back from your first trip you just might find yourself perusing flight options for the following year. South Africa can steal your heart. Be prepared to love it!

THE END!